heyy.

was a little shocked when ch eryl msn-ed me ytd night and initiated a ni wen dao le ma ju outing. it's been long. reallllly long since i talked to 05A5 people, much less ny ccs people. she said that she was tryin to contact friends she'd lost in touch with fr a long time.. i know how i should react, but my first thought was, can i not go?! but of cos nice me agreed to help sms the 2 ASMs of ni wen dao le ma, even though i highly suspected that they would be staring at the sms blankly, wondering who the hell is this person called ye nch un.

thing is, i really don't mind gatherings, but i'm afraid of the blank spaces or uncomfortable silence. maybe i'm just paranoid. maybe i just think the worst of everything. maybe i've just stopped believing in magical friendships and connections, such that there would be no stagnant moments during conversations between long-lost friends, and that conversation would be able to flow as freely as it had been before. maybe i just thought too much. awkward pauses will definitely happen when a group of people who haven't met up for a long time, suddenly gather together again. but what's more important is filling up these voids and warming up to one another again. maybe i've grown used to not bothering as much as i did before. not that i'm proud of this fact that i've developed more inertia over the years and became less inclined to start up again from a particular position, ie i'm glued to my comfortable shell.

so i've decided to be positive and to try to organise a mini cliquey 05A5 outing. i guess on a meter of 1-10, my positiveness only scores 5. cos i posted comments on their respective friendster accounts, saying stuff like we should meet up soon. HA HA. i find my actions laughable. =//. i hope they check their friendster accounts as often as i do (NOT). wells. i should have sent smses instead. i really should. we really should meet up again, if not our friendships will really die prematurely. (how many "really"s have i scored in the last two sentences?!)

i don't think i should cause more premature deaths. browsing through my msn list, i see too many examples.

although it's always a two-way thing for the maintenance of friendships, one party should at least tk some sort of initiative ba.

no fair balance can be achieved in any sort of relationship. there will always be a party who gives more, and the other receiving more.

let's say A and B have not met up for a long time. A decides that he must catch up with B soon, and tries to think up an excuse for their meeting. Then A has misgivings about meeting up with B, due to insecurity reasons. Reasons like a) what if they have nothing to talk about? b) what if B had forgotten about his existence? c) what if they really really have embarrassing pauses and ultimately they wished that they had never met up at all? and whilst A struggles within himself, B faces the same dilemma.

wouldn't that be stupid?

即使有可能會撞得一鼻子的灰, 我也不管這麼多了。莫名其妙﹐當初大家能成為好朋友﹐還不是靠那點微妙的緣份﹖曾經一起經歷過的﹐都應該有可能再次重溫﹑並令人回味無窮。即使時間已抹掉一些細節﹐稍微的提醒一下﹑輕輕的從腦海和心坎裡頭挖一挖﹐也一定能挖掘出大綱。

as usual, i've strayed from my initial focus. focus was on ni wen dao le ma outing, not 05A5. (but they were related, nonetheless.) okkay, i shall embrace the possible ju outing with enthusiasm and an open mind.

*

in the midst of growing up, self-consciousness builds up in tandem with your age.

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sometimes i wonder at my conversational skills and really wonder if i'm this boring girl with minimal socialising skills. hoho. another bout of unsureness n insecurity. =//.