[#151]

tuesday

"harrry potttar.."

yipppee. harry potter and the goblet of fire!! i'd finally watched it. was brimming with excitement right before the movie started. i ENJOYED it. =). haha. i know there were some negative feedback from people who'd watched (tho a certain mag rated 4 stars outta 5), but i still liked the movie! i do prefer chamber of secrets to this.. but after all, it was amazing how the director cut the 500+ pged bk to an almost 2.5hr movie. yep. there were some parts and small details that were cut out completely, but guess it was necessary. tho it wld have been great to have all those small little delicate details that piece the story together soo well.. but we can't expect much can we! i wldnt want to watch hp and gob1 then wait on pins and needles for hp and gob2. haha. was disappointed with the qudditch world cup! argh. haah. the first task was pretty exciting. harry flying on his firebolt. wooooots. second task.. i was busy feeling amazed at how the crew managed to shoot the whole scene in a tank. hahaaa. there was a funny bit with moaning myrtle and harry. lol. the maze was pretty scary. awww cedric was such an innocent party. he just died like that. for nothingg!! sad. he was handsome enough, like he's sposed to be like in the book. aww~ hehe. cho chang was okay ba but still not verry.. cho chang? but at the yule ball i thought she did look beautiful. nice gown =). ron's dress robes was hilarious, esp when harry looked rather dashing in his. lol. the scene when harry returned with the triwizard cup and cedric's lifeless body... whoa. sad. sigh. it will be even sadder for the next movie! sirius will dieee.. and i still prefer the dumbledore in the first two movies.. this dumbledore is just not dumbledore-ish. be it his dressing and the way he treats harry. oh and i thought hermione was too emotional. raging hormones during puberty? heheh. altho her gown was the wrrong colour, she looked gorgeous~ i liked her hairr! hee. all in all, i like the show and reccccooooommmmend it still =D.

wednesday

went for magic to do the costumes for the cosplay~ hahaa.. tried to sew (mostly just beginner kind of hemming).. to be honest it was the first time i sewed. haha. four years of mep led to yc being a sewing and cooking idiot. hurhur. but it was rather interesting (:

cut my hair too. heh. it looks. okay ba.

thursday

went to sew sew again.. hehe.. lunchtime ate at sumo hse with ly, crystal and sam.. guess who we saw!!! sly and maia! lol. ><~ didn't dare to ask sly for autograph. feel weird mar. and i don't want to seem like those crazy teenage fans. haha. bao chi xing xiang. and maybe cos maia was there.. hmmm. hahaa. recognised maia by her tatoos. hm. if i saw junyang, i might have asked him for autograph. heheh. junyang seems more qing qie mar. the other time i saw sebastian and ruth at bedok too. ha.

friday

i baked my first cake! waha! butter cake! =) mummy taught me how to bake da cake.. it was funn. i love baking stuff! wheeeee~ i must learn all the other cakes and somehow learn how to make more patterns on the cake etcetc. ;). the butter cake was nice.. but didn't feel buttery or marvellous enough. lol. first attempt ma.

saturday

registration day for december street camp. was at morning shift.. response wasn't really good i guess. haha. it was rather boring.. ky and i played some dumb games to entertain ourselves. there was this super cute lil boy (aged arnd 2-3 ba) who came with his mummy. aww. he's soo cute and chubby. the other older boys (p3-4?) were having fun chasing him arnd the canteen. ahaha. and the lil boy high-fived with me. heh.

aft the shift, me and xiaoting went to ky's hse to.... play mahjong!!! ha ha ha! lol. we had lunch and played mahjong while watching wang zi. ky and xt kept winning and i won the last game. by cheating a little. loll. x). nvmm. i like playing :). i like the feeling of pong-ing. PONG!

just baked another cake with mummy!! it's called sugee cake. wonder what it tastes like (;. never heard of this cake before. something good i guess. lol.

kieee. off to watch my she diaooooo~~

ja neee~

life is getting less boring. heheh.

i want to eat xiao long baO! =D

a rooom i created! hehe 

[#150]

old newspaper collecction. was okay i guess. but dragged for a long time.. till 8plus.. cos some of us went bck to tj to load some of the stacks of newspapers and mags and such on the lorry. felt tired and sweaty. reached hm at arnd 8.45pm and tada~ 56 on tv! haha.. they seemed to be in good spirits cos they were smiling away (:. renfu esp. with his cute smile. lol. they sang tou xin yes i love you and the dance was way cool (;. reeeeeeeeeeenfu. bukit panjang plaza. why are they gg such ulu places?! argh. ytd they went tiong bahru plaza. sher was sian cos tt plaza is so near her hse yet we had leo's onc. aha. hmm the concert. i really want to watch. where's the money gg to come? it is actually possible baa.. but gotta convince parents tt it isn't a total waste of $$. and gotta pull someone go with me. hehe. you know who you are but i think you are quite busy. mmm.

i'm soo darned bored. only seventeen but almost bored to death. my entertainment's arriving on tues. sighh. phonecalls are the best medicine to boredom ba. books get tiring on the eyes. the comp gets irritating. tv shows get repititive. hw is so not the cure, but it gets the time gg.

anw.. congrats to eve!! =) jiayouu alr gurl and all da best for the 2nd auditions! proud of ya. heh. must get thru k.. then maybe we can start forming a fc for u. hiak.

ja ne for the moment~ fingers are so bored they want to stop typing.

[#149]

watched shamanking vcd today.. lol. there were some stupid jokes.. chocolove: baka na. banana! =.=" heh.

arghhh. MI tut is darned difficult. :(.

suddenly realised tt i still have one chuang zuo gao to do. =S. and i nvr handed in my shou ji!! i forgot to bring on bu ke day. sorry xu laoshis! hmmms. tried to look for inspiration and found a 3-para story i typed. haha. forgot the plot le!! but it looks quite nice. hmm. shall brainstorm ba.

sleepy...

[#148]

yikes.

just saw an ant crawling into the small spaces in btwn my keys on the keyboard!!!! argh. i need to clean the keyboard keys. how to take them out? eee. hope the ant doesn't climb out and attack me while i type. hurhur. and i hope ants are not attacking my study room! i must stop eating my lunch in frnt of the comp. *stairway(s?) to heaven's fault!*

did i mention? my msngr can add emoticons again! wahas. after many failed attempts. so people, you can start providing me with those cute moving emoticons once again. :). i admit i'm wuliao.

bu ke was great today cos xu ls was so niiiice! she let us off at 1.30pm plus! yiipppee. on tues they were let off at arnd 3pm lo.. arhhhahaha. i think cos we weren't a very responsive bunch and xu ls didn't seem in the mood to crap about the history bit.. hehe. lol. but yarr. did unds cha guan more :). fell aslp for a short while.

ky, yuxiang and i went to vann's hse aft the bu ke to bakkke cookies! haha.. sher, xq and yinghui were there too~ yumm. the cookie mix was done so i just helped to make some glops of the cookie mix onto the tray. ahha. they made ky and my initials (aww thnkew) and then we made Q,V,X,S,H~ hehe. ohh. we watched zi jing too. heheh. renfu!

eeeeeeeeeee. i dont like morbid emoticons. actually i do like the one with the kickg bit, or the one with the settg urself on fire.. but i dont like the backstabbing de!!!! =.="

amusing myself with this webbie tt erhh search engine tt can search for ppl's blogs.. typed my name and yikes saw my lj blog and some other ppl who mentioned me in their blogs. hehe. and realized my name isn't so unique aft all. ha.

think i'd btr go...

ja ne~

tmr i will clear up those MI stuff!!! yes i WILL.

[#147]

i can guess what my erjie is doing now.. probably vomitting blood while marking the gp comprehension i did for her. lol. that compre was soo difficult!! arghh. or maybe i wasn't fully concentratg while doing.. but still. the AQ was errrrr. i was just summarising and pointing out some dumb points. =S.

life is made up of numerous trival stuff. small little things you'd never take notice of until they accumulate and grow bigger and bigger.. small little things you'd never consider or put too much thought to it or see much into it unless you really care, a lot. mmm.

been a long time since i last updated my fic. hurhur. it's been a long time since i racked my brains for those stories.. it keeps my brain activee. shld start updating again. heh.

=).

i am happpy.

for a silly reason.

...

been wanting to sleep early but can't fall asleep.

anyway it's time again for the stupid show at night. x).

ja nee~

[#146]

boO~~

it's been some time since i blogged!! just some minor stuff-- i finished watchg stairway(s?) to heaven and i dled msgr7.5!! yepp hope tt i'll be able to add emoticons le lo with this newly dled msgr.. u'd btr!! o.O". hahaa... lalala~ just wanna bloggg abt some trival stufff.. been bored to death at hm.. stoning has become a chore..

those tw a-cheng type of shows are SO draMA. must there always be lightning and raiiiin when the character is undergoing some wrenchg moment or some biig moment of realization or some moment of whereby a biiiig decision is made..? haha.. dortss!! but i'm still watchg some of those eps happily. i'm just booooooored. and i was sad tt bu liao qing had ended. heh. hmmm. watched another dumb show last night with kor.. we were laughing at how stupid the show was.. if you are interested, it shows frm mon-wed(/thurs?), 1130-1230am.. and wu chu cai hong showing on ch8 now had this lousy scene ytd.. yoyo was tellg her mum the news tt michelle had kicked her outta the dancg compn cos she had stage fright and the ppl in the restaurant chupped into their convo and provided them with comments. hao duh can this be? extremely illogical. ~_~" ohh and i realised i missed tt eps of jue dui da wan jia on monday.. and tt one had jj! and they showed bits of mkg of the MV invovlg jj, junyang, shi xinhui, kelly.. hmmms. but i really cannot stand jason. warhHhhhhh.

i've been rotting my life away~ wondering whyyy.. hrmms. tts why i've decided to arrange outings. haha. i realised suddenly tt it wasn't good to come up with last minute outgs. they always die prematurely. yepp. and i want to watch harrypotter and the goblet of fire!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH. evelyn ong and lyt. u two btr quickly communicate and come up with the exact date. i'm really free ANY DAY! except sat and sun. haha.. it will be too ex to watch on wkends anw. yeAAAHHrgh.

i need to go out.

if not i will cont to rot and not do any work.

hehe.

narnia is nice =). whee~ read 2 bks le. startg on the 3rd.

red palace not getting anywhere.

time seems to accelerate while your eyes seem to decelerate when you read red palace.

gtg noww.. gotta help deco some hm in toa payoh. yep for leo again. haha.. ja ne~

[#145]

went to three blks of flats near tj to stuff flyers notifyg residents of leo's ONC on 19nov in the mailboxes.. hehe.. it wasn't too easy but ly and i realized that there was an easier way.. hmm there was this blk which had stubborn mailboxes that didn't allow the flyers to slide into them, so we had to fold them into quarters and stuff them in as much as we could.. haii.. aft tt we went to eastpt to drink bubble tea! mango milk tea is nice.. but it's nt cold enough.. hee.. walked arnd eastpt, marvelled at the kiddy clothes, swimmg costumes etc.. popular sells those large cards with meaningful phrases and there was this set which had cute baby pictures on them! there was a particularly cute baby we gushed over. lol.. we went to pet safari and there were 2 ultra cute and super small puppies!!!!! awwww~ they were reaaaally cuuute!! and they scampered arnd, played arnd.. so irresisitably cute! and saw some moody dogs and one dog which wagged its tail enthusiastically at us.. hehe.. i want a dog!!! but it will be too cruel to keep dogs in flats.. unless it's a small dog.. if not it will be deprived of space to run arnd and will feel very suppressed.. sigh..

i neeeeeeeeeeeeeed to cut my hair.

:).

i think maybe i wont get married. it just seems so difficult keepg a marriage healthy. haha.. i think a relationship itself is difficult enough to maintain.. but perhaps i'm nt in a position to discuss this since i've always been very much single but seeing the people arnd me.. wellllllls. staying single is still btr somehow. very much freee.. your time doesn't need to be consumed by another person.. cos even if you may not go on dates every day, your mind may be constantly filled with the other person.. pretty er la. haha.. imagine. if i have to run all day long in another person's mind, i will be extreemely tired la. hahaa. chou mei la. and being married is worse. i don't really believe in everlasting love. haha. are you sure it is possible?? there will be some point of time in a marriage when nothing seems interestg anymore and no more sparks can be created anymore, when everything seems boring and routine-ish and tiring. ><~ but if i shld stay as a spinster, i will be rather lonely ba, bored to tears when i'm old and seventy. hehe. cos my friends may be busy with their own families or xiang shou-g tian lun zhi le.. i know. if i don't get married, i shall keep a pet dog!!!!! =) then i can amuse myself with my siblings' or friends' grandchildren and great-grandchildren. (;. korean, jap dramas' and ou xiang jus' portrayal of love and relationships are just so wei mei sometimes. how can love be so pure? i think i will believe more in friendships. hmm. or maybe nt. maybe relationships with humans are just so unpredictable ba. hehe. homo sapiens are weird creatures with complicated brain structures. only a dog can be loyal to its owner no matter what happens, even after the owner's death.

i need to learn how to coooooooooooooooooook. yes. i shall start from cooking instant noodles! hehe. then i will learn to fry veg and steam stuff like egg, fish, prawns, sotong!! ohhyepp. rice is vital! mabbe i will learn how to cook rice, so i can do dishes like fried rice. and to learn fried mee. these shld come before frying veg and steaming stuff ba. more practical. lol. mummy, you will have a nice job this hols.

suddenly have an itch to play mahjong. altho i'm lousy. but i want to gain experience!! hurhur.. pls don't get exasperated while playing mahjong with me okay. i can be really thick de. hahaa. bridge as well. o.O". but yepp. the more lan4 i am, the more i shld play right.. to practise. heh heh.

ohh you light up my life, wo xiang rang ni xiang xin, wo men xin zhong pin lv dou yi yangg~ zhe shi yi ge kai shi, si nian zhuang shang chi bang~ wei lai zheng zai deng dai bu shi maaaaaa~ wei lai wo xiang he ni fennn xianng~

=).

ja ne~

[#144]

no more PW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)

ohhh the Q&A was overall okay for my grp ba.. but i answered rather horribly. hahaaa.. i didn't know how to translate sth suddenly and i stammered some weird ans. :S.. the qns itself was... ><~ ohh i don't like that assesor la.. ask dumb qns. as in they are insignificant lor.. but heard tt for meiq's grp, one of the assesors asked, "Why is it Iron Hawker? Why not aluminium?" WAA. seriously. total dortz~ hai. why can't they ask qns tt can give students more scope to develop on??? sighh. nvm.. it's over anw~ yaay! OP's over! =)

went to vann's hse with ky, sher, xiaoqi and lijuan~ we played arnd 2 rounds of mahjong.. oops. i forgot but was trying to pick it up again. lol.. hmm oh and vann, ky and sher gave me my bdae prezzie.. thnkew gurls for da effooort!! one tigger puppet (arhh!), halter top (cos i wasn't girly enuff.. o.O") and wan mei de yi tian!!!!!! (yaay!) ^^ and the swt cross-stitch of my name! hahaa.. loll for ky there was this pig-bear softtoy, flashy pink clip, bearbear necklace and nice pair of girly slippers^^.. hehe.. anw we ended up watching zi jing zhi dian vcds..!! loll.. it was nice!! qing tian (aka jr) was cute and had this stupid kou tou chan: you shen me shi wo KANG! dorts! but he was really cute :). hehe.. tian xie (aka gino) was really shuai la.. dashing la huh.. and his smile was..... yaaa.. heh. xiao ying (aka qiaoqiao) was cute and looked like yang cheng ling at some angles.. aki (aka nancy) was really chio! hehe.. and renfu!!! he was soo shuai at the last eps!! =Pp but yepp zi jing is not bad :). we decided to give swensens a miss when we watched zi jing till arnd 6.40pm+.. proceeded on to wang zi at 7 and ordered kfc delivery.. =P..

hurhur.. i shld really gt down to do some WORK alr.. my plans for today will be accomplished! sighh..

i want to watch movies! i want to eat my sushi!!! argh. i want to study hard!!

okieee. ja ne then.

[#143]

boo~

hmmmmmm. had the last pw meetg today. hehe. the most interesting we did was zheng bingrong using yinghui's msn. hahaa.. mmm i can't say i will miss pw and all those stuff related to pw but my pw grp membs are all nice ppl after all! been working for these few mths.. awww.. thnkew all for all the hard wrk put in! it's been nice and fun tho irritatg at times wrking with the four of you =)~

tmr's da OP! all da best everyone!! =) TJ075.. it will be the last time wrkg tog! we muz jiayou and chiong for the last bit!!!!!!! no problem de kay? ((: and goodluck for all the other pw grps as well.. hee..

ooohh.. been watching stairway(s?) to heaven.. awww. it's so sad!! although i think the plot is quite *ahem* cliche and everything but stilll!! my tearglands still gave way at times.. yepp.. meiyun's conclusion abt korean dramas are true.. there will be a cancer-stricken female lead, there will be a wicked stepmum/sister always plotting agnst the protagonist, there will some hong hong lie lie or extremely wei da love story, somebody will lose his/her memory... etc etc~ waaaaaaa. hahaa.. but there are still some happy korean dramas la.. like hmmm zi cong xiang shi? it's happier ba. haha..

btr go nowww.. needa sleeeeeep more before the presentatn! hahaa.. so tt i won't yawn. hehe.. ja ne~

hiakhiak! lookg fwd to AFTER op tmr :).

i wanna watch mooooooooooooooooovies. and eat good food. ;)

[#142]

happy birthday to mee.

thnkew to all those who rmbed! =) luv ya'all~ thnkew laura, xinhui, meiqi, sheehwee, yinghui, yuanting, huijun, xiaoqi, meiyun, 1505, liyan, huiqi, yilun, huiling, huimin, yunling, weilin, christine, evelyn, teeyien, wanshan, priyanka, yinghong, jeslene for da wishes :)

thnkew mummy for the nice dinner ytd and durian cake! (i ate after all! ;P)

thnkew dajie for the narnia boOooOk!! nice surprise! =)

thnkew erjie for the UK bear!! heheee.. soOo cuute! (;

thnkew kor for the ipod shuffle u cld've kept for urself!

thnkew to my family for the lovely celebratn and thnkew to my siblings who all turned up for da bdae dinnner. :)

thnkew ly, choccy, jun for the tigger puzzle!

thnkew eve for the prezzie i'm gonna receive ltr!!

thnkew tingg for the puzzle too (which i haven receive)~ altho it's gonna be da same but i'll hang BOTH up. =)

thnkew 1505 for the bdae song and the bdae cake and special thnks to chiagu and lijuan who smeared whipped cream on my face, hand and hair. heh.

yepps. i'm seventeen now.

it's not exactly an exciting day and am rather sian now but nvmm.. seventh november is still a nice day. -smilee-

ooh. my brother is mad. haha. he sent me an sms wishing me happy birthday. thnks arh kor. tho you like to bully my toys and poke me, thnkew still ;).

hmmmm. passing thought of the day: it's not nice to be broke.

another passing thought: my msn SUCKS. it cannot add any other emoticons. sobsob. "not an valid image" sigh.

[#141]

You Are Chinese Food

Exotic yet ordinary.People think they've had enough of you, but they're back for more in an hour.

*_*?

hmmm.. ytd's op with mr ong went off rather well i guess.. he gave a lot of constructive comments.. if only he'd watched us present earlier on.. we wld have more time to go abt with various changes.. we had actually thought a lot for our proj but somehow some parts we just left them out at the ppt slides and some probs we cld nvr solve... hmmm. mild stresss? ahh. suddenly thought of vann's grp's stress thermometer. will that help? shall ask the others then. hmm. anw it will be reallly cool if jingyi can really help us come up with an artist's impression of our rooom!!! haha.. =) milllions thnks to jingyi! heh.. sighh. how do you mk a real pro 3D diagram tt can rotate to display the interior of our room at every angle? haha.. sounds too high tech for me eh? like those pro ppl who do up proposals for a new concept of a design of some building to show their big boss during a presentation to clinch some deal.. haa. whoa.

i love balloons filled with helium.. they are just so cooool! haha.. tj had some teachers' function thingy and the art students were in charge of decorations in the canteen. they filled beautiful pink, red, purple and gray balloooooons with helium!! ((: so pretty! haha.. sher, xq and i were patting the balloons, marvelling at their prettiness............ until the teacher told them to give us one balloon. she said sth like, "if one balloon can mk you happy, i will give one to you.." this was directed to sher. haha. in the end we took 2!! whee! one purple one hot pink.. ahah.. oh we tried to tie the balloons to sher's hair but it didn't wrk.. tried to clip it to her hair and guess what. the balloons FLEW AWAY!!! ><~ we were so sure that it wld wrk so we didnt hold onto the balloons' string.. arghh sad. the saddest part was the balloons flew up and got caught up in the tree!! it didnt get to fly away happily to the sky along with the wind. poor balloon. stuck on the tree :(~ we exclaimed so loudly when those balloons flew away that a woman standing near us looked at us with this weird expression on her face. wellllls. we are not tjcians. your eyes were playing tricks on you.

awww. sher looked really disappointed. *patpat* but isn't it better tt way? at least you wld not need to endure any adults' gazes at your huge balloons as you squeeze with them on the mrt trip back hm. heh.

mmmmmmmm. i want to eat sushi!!!

anw haven't been mugging.. have been hmmmm watching tv? haha.. slping?? wellls. at least i did tidy my stuff!!!! =.=" i will go buy the math tys tmrr and have fun doing papers. x(.

[#140]

previous entry was just ranting a little about siblings.. actually it isn't really fair cos after all.. they are just concerned about me. (:. mmms. i still lurve my family lots yar? =)

i dont like to lose my voice... i hate scratchy throats.. ohh suuuuper sian.. there's OP tmr with mr ong. erghh. i shall look at my script tmr. shld go to bed but i don't feel like slping yet. too uncomfortable.. stupid running nose. stupid throat. ohh i hate coughing!!!!!!!! x((.

sorry jun if i wasn't really good company today.. hahaz.. voice nt really there and also wasn't in a very shopping-ish mood.. but yepps good to meet up (:

wont really be enjoying these hols......:(...... got to studdddy. ARH. I&R. bleargh. pw just sucks! but nvm. by next week, it will all be over! hiakhiak. and there's still 17nov to look fwd to! sighh. wont be able to eat my bdae cake-- durian cake!! arGHH. and whose fault izzit? pw!! okay. sore throat as well. sighz.

okkkay. mugg.. mugg.. mugg.

red palace is actually interesting.. but just difficult to read. nvm. will jiayou! on 4th hui. heh.

[#139]

When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

Happiness lives for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

was looking through all those things i'd saved in my folders.. all these meaningful sentences i've saved from emails onto notepads.. all those notepad stuff i'd accumulated over these few years.. conversations, meaningful stories or messages from emails... wow. and i've really grown up. haha. can't believe my grammar was tt atricious at sec1. xP. used to chat on the IRC during my sec1 sec2 yrs.. lots of time spent online, at night.. chatting away.. but of cos i didn't go round talking to strangers.. talked at #pRpS, talked to ppl from my pri sch.. not ppl from my own classes, but seniors, and other ppl.. it was interesting talking to them.. used to chat a lot with a senior (2yrs older), coincidentally my classmate's elder brother.. but somehow i stopped going on IRC and so we lost contact.. he was my "kor".. that kind of silly sibling thing la.. looking back, we chatted abt alot of stuff.. and i did look forward to those chats.. somehow. wonder how he is now? mmm.

---

***

sometimes i just hate it when those kinda "huh.. WHY did you score so badly?", "What happened?", "So what are you going to do about it?" conversations. it sucks. what kind of results i'd gotten, i've already come terms to it. whatever results i'd gotten, it is an indelible fact. who will like to get this kinda results? who will like to sit and wait in trepidation, worried abt PASSING, getting a pathetic AO pass to get promoted? i don't like it. i do feel sad. i do want to do something about it. but i've got to get on with life right. i know i've got to reflect on what went wrong and yaba daba. but i'm OLD enough. i know how to think. i don't need you to tell me what TO DO. it turns me off. stop treating me like a baby! i know i haven't been exactly responsible, i know i haven't been hardworking, i know i have let all of you worried about my studies, i know i'm just this stupid lil sister who is lazy and not one bit diligent, i know i haven't proven myself to be capable of planning and managing my time, i know i haven't shown in any way that i want to succeed in life and make an achievement, i know i have shown you all in every way that i am somebody with no ambition, no drive, no motivation. i know i suck. but you don't see what efforts i'd put in. you don't see that i do want to do something about my life. you don't see me trying to think of what i want to pursue in uni. you don't see me trying hard to grow up. you don't see me falling and trying to pick myself up. you don't see me realising that i have not done myself enough justice this time round (ie promos). you don't see that i am going to strive hard and really mug. you just see me as your little sister, whom you need to nag and prod and push.. just leave me alone sometimes, will ya?

maybe i'm just this hedgehog with thousands millions zillions pricks that will stand out viciously whenever that subject is being brought up. i don't want to prick up but i just do. maybe i shld just speak my mind. but i can't. i can't. i can't. i CAN'T. it just seems a lot simpler to keep things the way they are. at home, i'm still the same carefree childish xiaochun who will never ever grow up.

having elder siblings can be tiresome sometimes. you want them to care. but you don't want them to become a second, third, fourth parent.

***

typed these ytd but didn't have a chance to post it...

it was just some ramblings, some rantings.

i know i had been disappointing...

i'm so sorry... i don't want to be like him.. i don't want to hurt you.. i don't know what is wrong with me. but i will do well. i will succeed. i will truly put in my utmost efforts. i will. please trust me one more time... don't give up on me...

i know i had broken many promises. i know i had done it again and again. i'm so sorry. this time round, i will not make the same mistakes again. i will not.

---